Gaara Tries Romance
by AtomicDogmeat
Summary: Gaara has decided that he loves a certain blonde, so he's going to try his hand at romance. But did he have to get his ideas from a romance guide by Itachi? finished
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my weird ideas.  
  
Summary: Gaara can't get a certain blonde out of his head. He decides that perhaps it time he tried his hand at romance, be scared, very scared.  
  
Gaara's insane attempt at romance  
  
Gaara's teal eyes scanned the books on the shelf, he paused as he noticed a title that suited him. He had been looking through the action and violence section, but had somehow got lost and found himself in the romance section. the book that caught his eye was one that seemed to be very useful, especially for a fifteen year old boy who even though he may not have looked it, was very very hormonal, he was going through puberty and he thirsted for something other than blood, he thirsted for a certain blonde that had changed his life and his outlook on life.  
  
A hormal teenager is a dangerous thing in itself but a hormonal psychotic teenager was deadly and really quite disturbing. Gaara had more hormones than any normal person could ever have, and to top it off somehow he had turned into a pervert more lecherious than Jiraiya. Naruto should have been scared but he didn't know that he was the obsession of Gaara, he didn't know about the weird and varied things the redhead wished to do to him. And perhaps he should be thankful for that.  
  
A small smile graced his lips as he read the title over again, Basic Romance For Insane Murderers, by Itachi Uchiha He took the book out and flipped through the pages, they seemed informative and useful so he purchased the book. He needed ideas after all if he was to win the heart of the one he loved more than blood, and that wasn't a very easy thing to say because the redhead adored blood.   
  
_Chapter one- Getting your loved one to notice you  
Once you have decided who you should be obsessed with you should first get to know your intended victim, that includes; following them around, sifting through their garbage, and stealing their underwear. This may be classified as stalking to some but it is not, it is a necessary step in getting to know your loved one well.   
If however you have already got to to know your prey and know everything about them including which side of the bed they sleep in, then you are ready to go on to the next step.   
Step 1-Gifts.  
Giving a gift shows that you care, that you love them, it is not hard to find a gift if you know them extremely well. Gifts could be; severed heads , body parts, paintings made of blood, small squashed animals.   
It depends on the person, but beware sometimes they may take offence, be scared, and or hate you for the rest of your life, but don't be put off, at least they know that someone is thinking of them.  
Remember, never ever ever gift them the gift in person instead leave it somewhere where they will find it, ie; their doorstep, on their table or if you are daring enough, in their bed.  
  
_Gaara nodded finding this advice very useful, who would have thought these type of gifts would be welcome, he had always assumed that people who weren't insane murderers would like flowers and chocolate and other disgusting things, but the book said that these nice gifts were more welcome so he would follow the advice, because books never lie.  
  
Gaara smiled in a happy crazed sort of way as he laid down a dead rabbit on Naruto's door before ringing the doorbell and leaving quickly, he didn't want to get caught after all.  
  
He had been leaving various dead animals on his doorstep each day for a week and he hoped that the blonde would be pleased at his thoughtfulness.   
  
He was sure that soon the blonde would be declaring his love for him and then they would go back to his apartment and.........  
  
||||Gaara daydream|||||  
Oh Gaara my hunky murderer i love you! How could i have ever have missed it? Your so hot and deadly and all that killing really turns me on! Naruto cried as he clung to Gaara's arm, in an extremely submissive and feminine act.  
Gaara was smirking in a handsome rugged sort of a way, he did not know how Naruto could have ever hated him. He was after all a sex god with dashing good looks and a deadly attitude.  
I'll make it up to you my extremely handsome mass murderer! Naruto declared as he ripped off his clothes.  
  
Gaara sighed happily as his dream went X rated his hormones taking control of his overactive imagination. As he was daydreaming of things that would make many people blush he did not see what was happening above his hiding place in a bush.  
  
Naruto sighed as he opened his door, he prayed that it was a person instead of a dead creature.  
  
He was starting to get sick of having dead animals appear on his doorstep, perhaps it was some sick joke played by a kid, or perhaps he was being haunted by the bunny of death because he had killed one only weeks before by accident. He hoped it was the first because being haunted was scary! He looked down at his welcome mat and there on it, as he suspected was a dead bunny.  
  
He picked it up and smelled it, it seemed fresh and he could feel it was still warm so that meant it had been killed only minutes before, he shrugged his shoulders and decided that perhaps it was time he tried out a new recipe, Rabbit Ramen.  
  
As Gaara came down from his dream world he realised he had missed the Naruto and look of delight when he found his present. Perhaps it was time he went on to step two, pulling the small book out from in his clothes he flipped to the right page and started reading.  
  
_Step 2- Death threats  
Many people may think that love poetry would work best but death threats work just as well. They are simple and easy to make and can make all the difference in getting your crush to notice you. Comparing your loved one to things you like, such as blood, it is a dead cert and is very romantic, be as poetic and as threatening as possible. And once you have finished it remember to sign it with something other than your name, such as; your dear older brother, or if you are unimaginative; anonymous stalker. Whatever suits you well but does not give anything away, and remember writing it in blood is good but writing it in the blood of their loved ones gives it that personal touch!  
Here's an example that i wrote:  
**To my little avenger  
Did you like the way i killed our family?  
Wasn't me chopping their heads off an artistic touch?  
Come kill me if you can. I'll be waiting.  
From   
Your loving older brother  
**This however is only an example and should not be used, you should make up your own!**  
  
**_****Gaara found this advice extremely useful as he took out piece of paper and a Kunai, he knew that Naruto had no family so he couldn't kill them and use their blood, he couldn't use his own blood because nothing could get through the layer of sand, so he decided that he would use some blood of the creature he had killed as tomorrows present. Slicing it open he dipped the Kunai in it and started scrawling and scratching at the paper.  
_  
_ **To my Demonic Kitsune.  
I'm going to kill you, its going to be slow.  
Don't say a word to anyone, i'll know.  
I'm going to hurt you, its going to fun.  
I'm coming for you, you better run.  
From  
Your Psychotic Sex Machine.**  
  
Gaara found his poem very nice, it was threatening and it showed he cared enough to kill him and it even rymed. Yes he was pleased, he rolled it up and hopped down from the roof slipping it through the gap under Naruto's door, quickly he rung the doorbell and hid behind a bush.  
  
Naruto looked around as he opened the door finding no one there so he looked down, he didn't think he would have another dead animal till tomorrow, he saw a small scroll and picked it up, reading it he paled finding it extremely disturbing. He had a stalker, a horny stalker, perhaps it was time to set up some traps...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Gaara the pervert, Naruto the paranoid

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
  
I'd like to thank all the people who reviewed, heh, i just got one question. Can you see the hinted couples?   
I'm not sure how this will end...Any suggestions?_  
_Sorry if my grammar or spelling is off..I didn't exactly finish high school...Well i left at 15...  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 2  
  
  
Gaara was getting impatient for results, he had spent two weeks leaving death threats to the blonde and was getting nothing back! He would have thought that Naruto would be declaring his undying love for him by now, but no he wasn't, instead he was setting traps which Gaara thankfully kept avoiding. It was like Naruto didn't want his attention, but that was impossible.  
Who wouldn't want a crazy stalker? Especially one as attractive and sexy as him.   
  
Perhaps it was the sand. Was Naruto resisting because he didn't like sand. Nah that couldn't be it either since Naruto didn't know he was the stalker, and besides everyone like sand! Why else would they visit beaches?   
  
He took out a now tattered and torn book that he had kept by his side for three weeks since buying it. Perhaps it was time to go on to the next step, he was getting nowhere with just death threats and dead animals.  
  
  
_ Chapter 2- Dating  
  
Step 1-Getting a date_  
_Getting a date with your love one is very easy if you go about it in the right way, it is also a good way of revealing who their psychopathic stalker is. If you go about this in the wrong way they will kill you, if you go about it in the right way they will love you forever.  
  
There are two ways of getting a date with your crush,  
number one is; Bribing them with something they like and taking them to a place of their choice.  
  
If your loved one tries to kill you, do not worry for their is a second way.  
  
number two; kidnap the people they care about and forcing them on a date by saying you will kill those they care about if you they do not go on a date with you.  
  
There is however a risk in this, if your loved one is stronger than you then you should not go through with this because you'll die. Or if your loved one has no one to care about because you killed them all.  
  
Here is and example of what you could say to your crush when asking for a date:  
  
**Hello brother dear  
  
Yes it is I! Will you go on a date with me?  
  
We can have rice balls...  
Rice balls you say?...I mean..I am an avenger sworn to kill you! DIE EVIL FIEND!**  
**  
OR if that fails..  
  
If you will not go out with me i'll kill your loved ones!  
You already killed them...My mother..My father..  
  
**  
Sometimes trickery is useful, such as changing yourself into your obsessions crush and asking them out, this may work out for a while but they will find out eventually and so this should only be used if you are extremely desperate.  
  
  
If all else fails and you never get a first date then try revenge by getting their crush to fall in love with you, try getting close to their crush by pretending you want something of theirs; Ie their demon.   
  
If this works your crush is either self obsessed and thinks you only want his crush for revenge, or if they are kind they will sacrifice themselves for their crushes happiness. Or they will get jealous of you giving someone else other than them attention and want to go on date.  
  
_  
Gaara grinned happily because at last it was time to get down to dating and then.....Sex! He sighed happily as his thoughts drifted off into happy horny Gaara land where naked Naruto's worshipped his hot body.  
But he quickly shook of his perverted thoughts before he got too caught up, now wasn't the time for them! He had to ask Naruto for a date!  
  
Impatient for results he appeared in front of Naruto's door in a swirl of sand. Gaara went to ring the doorbell but stopped and started pacing back forth past the door. He wasn't meant to be nervous dammit! Nervous was for normal people and he was an insane murderer not some stupid boring person who didn't enjoy killing or stalking. Pushing down his non existent nerves that Gaara refused to admit were there, he walked up to the door and pressed the doorbell.  
  
Naruto paused from where he had been sowing fur together, he had spent the last few days making a fur hat and gloves, he was preparing for the cold winter he would be spending far from civilisation and his stalker, so what if he had to become a crazy hermit living in the wilderness, as long as he was away from danger he didn't care.  
  
He pulled a kunai from under his pillow, where he had taken to keeping one ever since the death threats had started.   
Naruto wasn't scared, no never, he was a fearless ninja after all, he just felt safer with half a store's worth of ninja weapons hidden around his house.   
  
Which included a set of kunai under his pillow, a shurinken in the bath and a katana in a empty ramen cup ( which although it was physically impossible to fit such a large thing in such a small cup he had somehow managed it) and many many traps which sadly had not deterred his stalker, but had given him numerous injuries. Was it his fault he forgot where he set the traps?  
  
Slowly he opened his door raising the kunai just in case it was his stalker, as he saw who was on the other side he sighed in relief although did not move, even if it wasn't his stalker it was still a crazy killer.  
  
Hello Gaara, Naruto said as he narrowed his eyes suspicious of why he was here. He couldn't be his stalker could he? No he had to stop thinking everyone who came to his door was, he had already sent the mailman to the hospital, nearly killed his team-mates and made Konohamaru go home crying.  
  
Ah hello, Gaara replied as he stared at his crush, who in his eyes was looking as sexy as ever, he had dreamed of this day, well actually he had dreamed about sex and pretty much nothing else since hitting puberty.  
  
What do you want? Naruto asked rudely, still not releasing the kunai, Gaara was dangerous and could not be trusted, in fact no one could be trusted; the couple next door, his friends, his teacher, the Hokage. Any of them could be his stalker.  
  
Well i was wondering if you would like to..Gaara was cut off.  
  
Spar...Train.. Fight each other to the death again?...Or perhaps you want to go on a killing spree with me? Or maybe get our demons to mate with each other and make some strange Racoon-Fox thing? What do you want? Naruto looked around just in case his stalker was watching him at that very moment, he could be in the bushes down below, no, no one was that stupid. Naruto really didn't have time to talk he was too busy being paranoid and preparing for his new life as a hermit.  
  
Gaara was thinking a little to hard about the last idea Naruto had mentioned, it sounded fun to him. Perhaps after a couple of dates they could get their demons to mate, in a animalistic hot sweaty....Dammit it wasn't the time for those sort of thoughts.  
  
I was wondering you would like to go on a date with me, Gaara said confidently as he pushed down his raging hormones, he was sure Naruto would fall at his feet begging for a date with him.  
  
No way in hell! Naruto exclaimed, not only did he find the idea downright weird, but he couldn't leave the house at all, the stalker could jump out and kill him or ravage him, neither sounded like too much fun.  
  
We could go for ramen.. Gaara trailed off, if Naruto wouldn't go out with him because he was good-looking then bribery would have to do.  
  
Naruto wondered curiously, his stomach rumbling just at the thought, all paranoid delusions that weren't really delusions leaving his head.  
  
All you can eat ramen, Gaara grinned inwardly, he knew that Naruto would go out with him if only for the ramen. Ah ramen, he had thought about a Naruto covered ramen and found the idea very appealing and tasty.  
  
Okay! But no funny stuff, Naruto agreed, his inner conscious screaming at him for falling for such an obvious trick. But he didn't care, all he could think about was ramen, lots and lots of ramen. Dammit why did he have to be such a sucker for ramen!? He would have gone on a date with Sasuke if they had ramen.  
  
I'll pick you up in five hours? Gaara asked extremely pleased with himself, although he was sure he was forgetting something.  
  
Naruto nodded waving his hand absently his mind on other matters such as his stomach, closing the door he went over to the cupboard to see if there was any instant ramen left.  
However he did not notice that as soon as he opened the cabinet door a log came crashing down from the ceiling hitting him over the head.  
  
  
  
Gaara was happy, no he was more than happy, happy was being drenched in a rain of blood, happy was having perverted daydreams. Gaara was euphoric, floating on cloud nine. Well actually he wasn't on cloud nine, he was on Naruto's roof where he had been camping out so he could get closer to his crush. He even had a tent and a stove.  
Gaara was thankful that he had the courage to ask his love for a date...Except he had forgotten something, he had forgotten to tell Naruto that he was his stalker, he shrugged, oh well, he could tell him that on their date.  
  
Deciding to prepare for his date now he took out his trusty book that he had started calling his holy text in his head.  
  
_Step 2- The first date.  
_  
_Congratulations you have successfully got a first date with your obsession. But your not in the clear yet, there are still many pitfalls that could occur if you don't prepare well enough.   
  
You must first do two things that always impress; bring a gift and dress well. Dressing well is always a sure way of getting your date to notice you, wear black, red, or cloaks, be proud of the fact your a psycho by dressing like one!  
  
_Gaara stopped reading as he shrugged his shoulders.  
He looked down at his clothes, he didn't actually have any other clothes except the ones he was wearing, but to him they looked smart and never got dirty due to the sand that covered his body.  
It was the upside to having sand everywhere, the downside was also having sand _everywhere_, it got into the most uncomfortable places.  
And why would Naruto care about the clothes when they would spend most of the night without them?   
And then all day and all night and all day, why they would never need to wear clothes again if he had his way!  
  
As for the gift, well he already had an idea. Already knowing what gift he had and what clothes he was going to where he continued reading.  
_  
Try practising what your going to say on your date on a sidekick or a clone, if they find what your saying appealing then your good to go, if they fall in love with you its even better! Because if your date is bad you have someone to go home to.  
Here are some of the things you could do:  
  
Try impressing your date by telling them how many people you've killed, how fast you can do it, or how slow. People like to know these things.  
  
Ask questions even if you already know what their going to say because you've stalked them for years on end. It shows your interested in them._  
  
_Compliment them, their personality, their looks. For example: Your eyes are the colour of blood. Your hair is sharp like the kunai i used to kill our parents. Your skin is as pale as a corpse's. Your anger towards me is such a turn on.  
This will either make their ego swell or make their anger swell, either of which is good, because we all know that the hate is just another form of denial, they really do love you so don't be put off.  
  
Discuss things that interest your date or you, silence is a bad thing so try and get rid of them by starting the conversation up or laughing evilly, both work well. Things to discuss could be; How many ways there are to kill a person, what blood really tastes like, how tiring it can be to be an S-class criminal._  
  
_But if all else fails there are two things you can do, use your sharingan to hypnotise them into not trying to kill or maim you. Or if you don't have it then a recipe is available on page fifty of this book.  
It is not alcoholic or a drug, it will not lower a person's inhibitions. We may be murderous maniacs but we do have some morals.  
It is however a love potion which lasts a few hours, enough time to have a date and make an impression.  
You should however, never ever try this out on yourself or your sidekick, it can do serious damage to your working relationship.  
  
_Gaara finished reading and decided to go about making his present, he needed to make it quickly so he could time to practise what he was going to say and make the love recipe. But where on earth was he going to get some of these ingredients for the recipe he didn't know...Some of them he couldn't even pronounce let alone know what they were.  
He was sure he could make it up as he went along, he knew everything about love after all! He was a smooth lady killer, literally.  
  
  
  
  



	3. Sidestory Sasuke The Innocent

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
I'd like to thank all you reviewers, i feel so special.  
Sorry for being late updating..You see there was this talking cat and it told me i was a past princess reincarnated and was destined to fight evil monsters...  
My inspiration for writing this chapter was a song called Prison Bitch, which is about a psychopath and his beloved bitch, it seems to fit the story, i wonder why?  
And yes this song does exist.  
  
Sasuke- The Innocent  
  
  
Sasuke woke up from a wonderful dream about Naruto, quickly he jumped out bed, having no time for being half-asleep, he only had two moods, asleep and happily dreaming about Naruto, or awake and brooding in a im-a-tormented-bishounen-with-a-sad past sort of way. Quickly he checked his bed for any signs of his brother, who had on occasion sneaked into his bed when he was asleep to cuddle him.   
Finding no one in his bed he went over to his closet to pick out his clothing for the day.  
Although picking really wasn't the appropriate word, since his clothing selection was just row upon row of blue t-shirts and white shorts. Fashion after all got in the way of sulking stoically, although it was quite impossible to sulk stoically Sasuke somehow managed it.  
  
After picking out his clothes he had a quick shower, making sure Itachi wasn't spying on him first, Itachi had also been known to do this.   
  
Putting on his clothes he sat on the corner of his bed his chin is palm his forehead wrinkled in a classic pose of the tortured bishounen. He looked at himself in the mirror which covered the whole of a wall to check if his posture and expression was just right.  
  
To Sasuke Brooding was a subtle art form of various poses and tiny facial movements that had taken years to perfect, and although it may have looked like all his poses were the same, they were all different and unique, and although it may have seemed like he had no facial expressions, if you looked close enough and hard enough you could see them. He had spent years perfecting his art, but yet had still never got it quite right, it was always imperfect and flawed. Sasuke was a perfectist, and if his arm was not bent in a perfect forty-five degree angle, or if his eyebrow was a little higher than it should have been, then he was very unhappy for the rest of the day. Not that he wasn't always unhappy, he was just more unhappy than usual.  
  
If other people knew how much Sasuke pouted and angsted they may have called him self-absorbed because almost every thought that occurred to him seemed to either be about how unfair life was to him and how sad his past was, how agonising it was to have an unrequited love, or he thought about how difficult and tiring it was being an avenger. These melancholy thoughts filled his days leaving no time for a social life or training. It may have seemed slightly stupid that he didn't train, if he wanted to get strong and kill his brother. Sadly this had not occurred to him as he was always to busy thinking sad thoughts about Naruto, his parents or his brother to think about much else.  
  
Ah Naruto, how he had invaded his thoughts, his love for the blonde had sneaked up on him like Itachi sometimes did when he was in the local hot springs.  
How he dreamed of confessing his undying love for the blonde angel, Naruto was the sun to his moon, the light to his dark, the loud to his quiet.  
  
He could picture it, they would run together in a field full of the sweet smells of spring in the air, the magic of love running through their veins. They would whisper sweet nothings in each others ears and run off into the sunset hand in hand to start a new life together. In their new life they would settle down to the simple life of cabbage farmers, and have many many children named Sasuke Jr, Sasuke the second, Sasuke the third, and Sasuke the fourth, which they would find in one of their many cabbage patches. Everyone would come from miles around to find their own babies, and perhaps if the cabbages weren't enough they could farm storks. How he longed for such a life.  
  
But alas it was not to be, his fate was to be sad and alone for all eternity, he was stuck in a life of misery, a cold hearted ninja who was powerful, yet never powerful enough to kill the one person he wanted to.  
His forehead wrinkled slightly as his thoughts turned back to how horrible his life was. He would be stuck here in this big a lonely house pining after his love, who would be out enjoying his life with someone who wasn't him.  
Sadly, or perhaps thankfully, his angst-ridden thoughts were cut short as a voice from the doorway spoke.  
  
Brother dear! I have prepared you a delicious breakfast made with all of my love! The voice purred sensually as Sasuke turned around and scowled.  
Itachi smiled sexily at him as he put the plate full of food down in front of Sasuke before he slide up to the blue-haired boy before quickly hugging him from behind burying his head in Sasuke's back breathing in deeply enjoying the distinct smell of his little brother, well the distinct smell of the soap his little brother used. How you may ask did he know what Sasuke's soap smelled like? He had stolen it and put it in his shrine to his dear brother, which also included a lock of his hair, one of his t-shirts, a set of his underwear and other assorted things.  
  
Sasuke did his best to push the older boy of him but had little luck, Itachi was after all very strong and very attached to him, he clung onto him like a limpet and just wouldn't let go.  
Sasuke sighed in an exasperated way, he would have to eat what his older brother had prepared for him or he would have Itachi stuck to him for the rest of the day, and going to meet his team-mates and sensei with a S-class criminal hugging him fiercely was not something he wanted. Especially since it might give Naruto the wrong idea.  
  
He quickly ate the food, which was thankfully not poisoned or worse, drugged. It was good for something his brother had cooked, his brother being pretty much useless at anything except killing and maiming and amorous advances.  
It wasn't that he had ever fallen for them, no, he never had, not even the time Itachi had transformed into Naruto. Of course he hadn't gone on a date and kissed Itachi thinking it was his love.  
No he would never fall for such a trick, he was too clever.  
  
There i finished, are you happy now? You can let go, Sasuke got out through gritted teeth as his thoughts made him angry at his older brother. He was still very bitter about the whole incident.  
  
Now why would i let go when i can do such interesting things in this position, His brother said smirking as he moved his hands into places where they should not have been.  
  
I have to go meet my team-mates so please let go, Sasuke growled as he tried to push his older brothers hands away from his private areas, he had little luck, and blushed as his brother touched him in sensitive places, he was sure this was wrong in many ways but he didn't know why.  
  
Sasuke, having no parents to give him the talk' was very very innocent in the ways of love, he still thought children came from places other than their mothers. He was sure it involved seeds, storks or cabbages but wasn't entirely sure.  
Itachi pouted as he let go, he usually wouldn't have done this, but today he was in a very good mood, his devious and clever plan having at last succeeded.  
  
This was unusual in two ways, one was that Itachi usually only had three moods; evil, evil bastard, and extremely evil bastard. And the second was that his plan had succeeded, Itachi had yet to have this happen to him mainly because his plans were either insane or just plain stupid.  
  
Not that he would ever admit this, his massive ego would never allow that, and massive it was, it was bigger than Gaara's, it was one of the many things that came with being a murderous psychopath, the other beings; a craving for lots of killing, a strange way of the thinking and lots and lots and lots of hormones.  
  
To Itachi and his enormous ego, his plans were always good, always clever and he was always sure they would succeed. His plans only failed because he had very bad luck.  
But for once his plan hard worked, and a very good plan it was indeed.  
You see, Itachi had written a book. A book on romance. He thought it would be useful for all the murderous psychopaths out their to know how to woo their loved ones. He thought he was being mysterious leaving out his beloved's name and that the mystery would make his book sell millions who would be dying to know who had stolen the beautiful and ever powerful murderers heart.  
  
This however was not the case, the book had only sold one. But the one book that had been sold was bought by a fellow psychopath who was in love with his rival for Sasuke's affections.   
This had been his plan all along, he had just planned it subconsciously.  
  
And now with his rival in love out of the picture he had all the time in the world to make his beloved brother fall in love with him. Itachi for all his faults, was very patient, or perhaps it was his ego making him very sure he would get Sasuke, he was dark, mysterious and very handsome why wouldn't his beloved fall head over heels for him.  
  
There were two very obvious reasons why he wouldn't fall in love with his older brother, one was that Sasuke was his brother and the other was that Sasuke hated him with every fibre of his soul for killing his entire clan, these points did not make it through to Itachi, who either didn't care or because he was more than few kunai's short of a kunai set.  
  
Sasuke was shocked that Itachi had let go of his vice grip but wasn't about to give up such a good opportunity and quickly pulled his sandals on leaving the house at a fast pace, he was going to see his darling Naruto, he couldn't wait, inwardly he was almost happy, almost but not quite, for Sasuke was never happy. The only time he would ever be happy was with Naruto, his children and his cabbage farm and that would never happen. Quickly Sasuke's thoughts turned to more depressing things, as they always did, for Sasuke was a bishounen with dark past and a tormented soul.  
  
Itachi after a couple of seconds followed discreetly behind his dear little brother, following him was second nature to him having done it for many years only stopped for the occasional massacre. It would have seemed like he was being inattentive if he stopped his stalking and having Sasuke thinking he didn't love him was such a horrid thought.   
  
  
  
  
Next chapter will be the last, The date, perhaps an epilogue, which i've already done. I've run out of ideas, i might find some more lurking in my disturbing mind, you never know.


	4. Gaara the happy, Naruto the oblivious an...

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Eh sorry this is late, you see...I went on a training trip to China where i fell into these cursed springs and came out as a boy!...Then my panda bear father ate these Chinese amazons food and i had to fight the winner...And when i won this girl glomped me..so we ran..Then i came home and there were fiancees in the waiting...  
  
Thanks for all the reviews..My inspiration for this chapter was the song You Sexy Thing...I just imagined Gaara looking the mirror singing it to himself.  
  
  
  
Gaara the happy, Naruto the oblivious and Sasuke the jealous  
  
  
  
Gaara gazed deeply at his reflection in the full length mirror he had just unfolded. He had bought the mirror in one of Konoha's many stores, one of them being a store specifically for the female ninja. He had bought the mirror which could be folded up into a small square, which as it said on the package was 'Handy for those I'm in the middle of battle and need to look good moments' he had also bought a comb which was still lost somewhere in his expanse of red locks.   
  
It wasn't his fault his hair was wild, just like him. He was wild like the desert, wild like the the tiger, just all round wild looking.  
In fact, if he was going to describe his type of beautiful face he would say it was untamed and unkempt handsomeness, why if he didn't want to devoted to being an insane killer he was sure he could become a male model. Everyone would fall at his feet as they prayed to the almighty god of good-looks. But he would just smile and wrap his arm around Naruto telling them that sadly he was taken and could not perform sexual acts on them Naruto would sigh adoringly star struck by his awesomeness.   
  
He ran his hand over his chin hoping that some growth had occurred, he was disappointed to discover he was still as baby faced as ever, he had been hoping that stubble would grow which would add to his wild charm.  
He nodded as he gave himself one more glance over. It was just as he thought, he was looking great.  
  
Quickly he checked over the things he had done to prepare for his date with Naruto.  
He had already made his gift and practised his lines, he even had time to choose where they would go before dinner. He had thought that they could perhaps watch someone have their head chopped off but this was not to be. Konoha really was a weak village, it didn't even have public executions! If they couldn't watch people hang then what did they do for entertainment around here?   
  
Thankfully he had found an alternative, it wasn't as good as watching a man's head hit the ground as blood spurted all over the place, but still, there was lots of blood and dead things so it would do.  
Gaara idly wondered if Naruto was trying to make himself look good for him, he was sure he was, but he could never compete with his utter drop dead gorgeous looks however hard he tried. Perhaps Naruto was bathing to make himself clean just in case they got naked together later on.  
  
Yes, bathing, naked, scrubbing his hot body with soap as water ran down his chest and onto his muscled stomach. Naruto's head would tilt back as soapy bubbles would trail down his silky skin, his blonde locks flattened against his scalp as the hot water made him moan in pleasure. Perhaps Naruto would be thinking about him as he washed and call out his name breathily..  
Oh Gaara...I can't wait for you to make my loins burn.  
  
Gaara's dreams of a wet naked Naruto were however not true, Naruto was currently unconscious in his kitchen-living room after being hit over the head with a large log.  
  
Naruto left eyebrow twitched as he awoke, he groaned as he noticed his rather sore head, he noted the headache and being unconscious and quickly he came to a conclusion. He had been attacked by his stalker while his guard was down. Damn his stalker was good, they knew his guard would be down when thinking of ramen and had attacked just at the right moment! Quickly he jumped up and got into a fighting stance, before surveying his kitchen-living room for any signs of his stalker, he sighed in relief but did not let his guard down, his instincts were telling him that his stalker could pounce at any moment, and since his rarely used mind had gone and lost itself once the death-threats started coming he had to go with his instincts.  
  
Naruto stopped dead for a moment as his instincts told him to check his body for any signs of ravaging, Naruto looked down and found that his clothes were still on and his virgin body untouched, his body slumped over as he thanked whatever gods were listening.   
  
He paused once again as he remembered what he had promised only a few hours earlier, he had to go on a date, with an insane murderer. Quickly he started getting ready for a potential life threatening situation.   
  
How did he prepare? He went about collecting as many weapons as he could find, which included a set of wooden stakes he had fashioned out of a broomstick. Soon many various weapons were in every nook and cranny of his clothing. His pockets were full to capacity because just in case Gaara or his stalker tried something, he could say that it was a kunai in his pocket and no he wasn't happy to see them.  
  
He was ready to go, only one thing missing, his rabbit fur hat which he quickly picked up off the table and put on his head but not before slipping a few shurinken under it. He didn't even pause as one of the shurinken cut into his head as he was too busy being a paranoid freak and also because his head was a hard as granite. How did he knew his head was very hard? An unfortunate accident in which he locked himself out of his house and had to use himself as a battering ram. Not many things could knock out Naruto, it seemed psychopathic stalker was one of these things (Large heavy logs also worked).  
  
Naruto looked at the door as the doorbell rang, he wordlessly walked over to the door and opened it up, as he guessed it was Gaara holding what looked like roses, only that they were made of sand and it seemed that the red petals were dripping red fluid. Gaara handed the roses over to Naruto who sniffed them cautiously, they gave off an interesting smell and curiosity got the better of him.  
  
"They smell strange, what is that smell?" Naruto demanded to know.  
  
"Blood," Gaara his face impassive as ever although inwardly he was smiling happy that Naruto had noticed all the hard work he had put into making roses smell nice instead of the horrible sweet smell they usually gave off.  
  
Naruto grimaced and put the roses on the table to deal with when he got back, cautiously he glanced around outside and finding no sign of his stalker he stepped outside, Gaara quickly grabbed Naruto's hand, he had to make sure everyone knew who owned Naruto so that they didn't try and steal him.  
  
Gaara walked briskly towards their first destination glaring at anyone who even so much at hinted at looking at his Naruto. Naruto was trying his best to look around at his surroundings making sure his stalker wasn't going to jump out at him, which he was sure his stalker would do, he wasn't safe anywhere, even in his own home! He was now definitely going to have to find a nice hut in the middle of nowhere, he had even found out what he could be called.   
  
The wild-man of The Fire county. It had a nice ring to it, or perhaps he could be known as, The crazy hermit who lives up a mountain with his only friends Mr kunai and Mr shurinken. That sounded even cooler, and threatening also. He paused in his mindless rambling as he bumped into the back of Gaara.  
  
Gaara smirked slightly as he felt Naruto trying to cop a feel of his sexy body, he knew Naruto would want to worship his body sooner or later, and his love was being so open about his gropes. Why if he wasn't staring emotionlessly at Sasuke he would have returned the amorous touches.   
  
Naruto glanced over Gaara's shoulder and glared at Sasuke, who had interrupted his choosing of a name. Sasuke was as emotionless as ever as he stood with his hands in his pocket in his classic cool pose that would have made many a girl swoon, Gaara and Naruto, however were not teenage fan girls, however much Sasuke wished Naruto would sigh and giggle at his coolness.   
  
Sasuke may have been emotionless on the the outside but inwardly he was crying heartfelt tears at what he had just seen, Naruto was holding Gaara's hand and doing indecent things to him. His chance had been and gone, Naruto was now happy with someone other than him, he could tell, but perhaps it was just something innocent, perhaps Gaara had forced him to do these things. A glimmer of hope sprung up in his heart, he had to know.  
  
"What are you doing with him, Dobe?" He asked cooly his hair ruffling in a sudden and unexpected gust of wind.  
  
"He's on a date with me," Gaara said for Naruto as his teal eyes narrowed slightly, he knew a rival for Naruto when he saw one. Silently he placed an arm around Naruto just to make sure that Sasuke knew who owned the blonde.   
  
Naruto did not notice the arm as he seemed to have got lost somewhere in between the two sentences that were spoken and was glancing around nervously not really paying attention to anything, he was lost in his paranoia and bizarre plotting of names.  
  
"Hn," Was all Sasuke said in reply, his jealousy and buckets of tears hidden deep within him. Casually he walked off in the opposite direction the two had been going on.  
  
Gaara smirked, proud that he had fended off a potential rival with his masculine prowess, he begun walking as he dragged Naruto off in the direction they were supposed to be going his arm still around Naruto.  
  
Sasuke stopped walking and turned around, he was going to follow them, and sabotage their date, and then he could steal Naruto back from under Gaara's nose, then things would go back to normal, he would pine after Naruto, and Naruto would go back to being alone with no boyfriend and ignorant to Sasuke's pining.  
  
These thoughts did not go unnoticed by a certain S-class criminal who had been following his little brother all day, he knew exactly what his beloved was thinking, and he couldn't let it happen. He would have to sabotage Sasuke's attempts at sabotage, then the red head and Naruto would be together and he could have Sasuke to himself, he cackled in a typical evil bastard manner as a flash of lightening occurred behind him in a blue cloudless sky.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Okay so its not the date, but people didn't seem to want me to finish so quickly and these ideas just wouldn't leave my head. I'm actually starting to worry about my own writing, i want to see how far Gaara's ego will swell, because it's getting big.  
The more reviews the more chapters.


	5. Epilogue: Naruto the pregnant, Sasuke th...

I tried I really did, but I just couldn't get rid of the writers block that has killed my imagination. Sorry, but as a consolation I wrote the epilogue.

Epilogue

Where are our intrepid romancers now?

Naruto lives in the forest of death as hermit, but not before buying every available weapon in Konoha keeping many businesses alive for years to come. He is now married with twelve children and sells fur clothing for a living. He is still paranoid that his stalker is out for him.

Sasuke grew up to be a powerful ninja, he has still yet to beat Itachi. After being given Icha Icha paradise for his eighteenth birthday he finally worked out the finer points of reproduction. Naruto and Sasuke happily reproduce 3 times a day. They live with their twelve children, all named Sasuke, in the forest of death. Naruto is expecting their thirteenth child any day. Naruto is very happy with the fact that by the time the grandchildren come he will have enough Uchiha-Uzumaki offspring to start his own village just for the cause of protecting him from his stalker.

Gaara still pines after Naruto, he has become a famous J-rocker having always had the right attributes to become one; a large ego, killer looks, a very perverted mind and tendency to swing that way. He did manage to grow the stubble he always wanted. Gaara hasn't found one man with enough stamina for him to settle down with and is currently dating all of his band-mates (all of whom are blond haired and blue eyed).

Itachi joined a Stalkers Anonymous group and has been two years without a single day of following his brother. He soon gave up on Sasuke and married Kisame after a whirlwind romance, sadly after three months of marriage the love potion on Kisame finally wore off and he ran away. Itachi is single and looking.

The Gaara epilogue…I watched and listened to too much Gackt for my own good.


End file.
